flip flops

3.28.08

i have been giving a lot of thought to my profession and the opportunities available therein; i have even gone in on a few job interviews for positions in project management or marketing, and after i had one yesterday afternoon, i felt a profound sense of sadness. i am not ready to not have my business.

i know that taking on a full-time, demanding job will pay well and it might be nice for awhile, but i am so proud of what i have done on my own and i ain't ready to throw in the towel; certainly, it gets difficult and sometimes i'm just really exhausted from juggling everything, but i think that i just need patience and to learn how to persevere despite the difficulties.

i can do this.

so, if i'm going to do it then i am going to make some changes. first, i am going to apply to accept insurance and hope that it will increase my client base. second, i'm going to go out on a limb and pay for some advertising. third, i'm going to jump into expanding my network with both feet and really try to connect with more people. i have confidence that it's really just a numbers game and that i'm good at what i do -- so it would stand to reason that the more people that know about me, the more regular clients i will have.

i've had a huge reality check because any security blanket regarding funds is now gone and i need to get it together. perhaps this kind of pressure is what i need to be successful; lord knows i love an externally driven deadline.

royo

3.16.08

frigid droplets crystallized on the tips of my ears; we walked through the wind and rain, the potent memory of deliciously simple grilled swordfish and flourless chocolate cake caressing my belly, the back of my tongue, the inside of my lips.

he sniffs everything; pisses on most of it.

what he really needs is a pack of dogs to wrestle with. instead, he has this house full of vaginas for which he must run alphaville. he's actually more of a staff sergeant,continuously lecturing, running drills, making sure all shit is in shape, etc. so alpha isn't a comfortable, relaxing place for him; in the absence of any other in sight, however, he takes it on for the team. it's all very stressful, this continuous watch, this topping from the bottom, this murky sea of questionable power dynamics on which he continuously surfs.

i'm sure it doesn't help that he really isn't totally certain who his daddy is. there is a rotating crew of "authorities" and none of them tell him what to do. not how he likes it anyway. none of them school him, break him, show him they're more powerful, let him sink his teeth into them and not flinch--this is what he's looking for; this is what he craves. sure, they tell him to sit, to lay down, give him food and water, attach random ropes to him and run him through the streets, but they, none of them, take true control. so he obeys, mildly; but sneers, barks and bucks regularly to remind them he's only just giving in out of a total lack of other options.

he is utterly sweet, silly, probably the biggest nerd i have ever met and he just really loves being around people, whatever the context. i rub his belly often and i think he enjoys it just as much as i do.

at around 3am each morning, he and lu converge on me and i have to get up, let them both out...and i think we must all be on the same piss cycle because, invariably, i have to pee at the same time. those early morning minutes must be filled with so much open wide: when i open the porchdoor for him or the frontdoor for lu, they both pause, look outside deeply, sniff heartily and then step out into the coolness. born again.

when i move from here i will miss the daily excitement and stinkiness emanating from him; i had forgotten what living with a dog was like: cats are like old ladies and dogs are like toddlers. everything so openwide--lu would never intimate she didn't understand all this shit infinitely better than you do, and you could learn a thing or two from her. but he's just like holy shit did you see how awesome that was? it was a fucking bush! and it smelled like something! and damn it was the most interesting stench i've ever smelled! oh wait! did you see this bush! this is more awesome! i need to piss on both!

granted, these are all things i've said about bushes...well, without the 'stench' designation (at least not out loud.)

16 years

3.14.08

on the stereo right now is one of my favorite pj harvey songs, the dancer. how many times, in how many locations, in how many circumstances have i listened to this song? it got me thinking about when i first started to listen to her in 1992, which really doesn't seem that long ago...but is; 16 years--my love for pj is a surly teenager running the streets in a broke down chevy, a swatch of flourescent orange streaking her hair.

i have been taking rolo on a lot of walks lately; he enjoys them and it's also very meditative for me. also, it gets me out into the elements and whilst i do hate these soggy marzo moments, it is lush and sensuous and kind of dirty in it's ripe moistness. at the beginning of this winter, i made an oath that i would not be chilly again, and so i bought a fabulous down trenchcoat for very inclement weather and a peacoat for semi-inclement weather. a couple of weeks ago, it got a bit too spicy outside to merit the down, so i've switched it up to the peacoat which is the right amount of cozy in these mid-40's days. the weather predicts today: possible showers; tomorrow: showers likely; sunday: rain.

elisa will be going to rwanda for six months beginning sometime in april. i have booked a trip to san francisco to visit my darling y mis amigos in early april so that rolo will have proper human coverage during the month. the mother in law (not mine, which is worse in a way) moved in earlier this month and while she technically is a human body, her ability to take care of herself adequately is questionable and, therefore, should not be entrusted with keeping the dog and cat alive for more than five hours at a stretch.

i will likely go full time in my current part time marketing position and will also continue to work at the business but am really immensely tired of scraping by on no money...it's been three years and, honestly, i need a break. maybe it sucks and maybe it's dishonorable, but i miss being able to travel and do fun things with my time; i'm so broke right now that i spend all my free time (which isn't much) at home with the cat and dog reading or cooking or chitchatting or writing. television has also taken up residence. so...i don't know. i believe in doing what you love and i'm not going to give up massage, i am going to not rely any time soon on it bringing home the bacon. which i think will be good overall for my perspective regarding my work; right now there is such a high level of stress involved with it, i don't know if i'm putting my best vibe forward, and i don't want to do that. if it provides an outlet, some balance to my days, a challenge and avenue for continued personal exploration/growth, that would be a blessing and if it just continues to break even for a few more years, c'est la vie. that might be the role it needs to play in my life until i make a major move from seattle to parts unknown.

jess just returned from costa rica, rich with photographs of the caribbean coast and oh how lovely cahuita, puerto viejo and manzanillo look! miss it so much. definitely need to work a visit into my existence soon.

cucumber

3.09.08

this morning i made this really delicious saute of carmelized onions, red & yellow peppers, mushrooms and tons of garlic. i made a huge batch of it with the intention of mixing it with several dishes over the next few days - currently, i'm eating scrambled eggs with the mixture as a topping. yummy!

in the exploration of what kind of work i want to do, i find that my lack of a bachelors really shuts down many opportunities, which i think, quite plainly, is bullshit. i would understand if it was put up as an attempt to ensure the position wasn't filled with an 18 year old, but if one has successfully built a career without the paper and is in their 30's, you'd think there would be some sort of exception or maybe just even interest in the person's unique background. i suppose it's one of those things, though, that you say well, if they're restricting the opportunity based on a cookie cutter model then perhaps it's not the best position for me. i mean, really, i am not cookie cutter.

i would love to work for an organization that has a deeper mission than just accruing capital. i love massage but sometimes i think that the real purpose of me training in this discipline is to give me a better understanding of presence, focus, empathy. it was training in how to truly listen and hear what someone is trying to communicate; to fully study the nonverbal cues in a particular situation and then gauge response from there. also, i see the instruction and introduction to anatomy and physiology a springboard for future learning in healthcare; do i want to be a doctor? probably not. but getting into public health would be fascinating work i think.

i think, short term, my main goal will be to pay off my debt and then assess where i'm at. so i suppose any higher paying job will do at this time with that goal on the table--it would just be really awesome if it was in conjunction with doing something that was interesting and challenging.

elisa will be going to rwanda for six months and i don't know how that will play out with regard to living here--what they want, what kind of care is involved, etc. i will miss her! i find i spend a lot of time by myself these days and i can't say i mind it. i suppose it's just a really introspective time for me right now and i'm not really looking to connect with my relationships...although i shouldn't let them wither; something just doesn't feel right in that regard. cycles, cycles, cycles.

curving condensation

3.08.08

it's funny how inspiration hits, no? for a long time it was difficult to think about what to write here, there, anywhere. now i am developing two blogs for consistent usage - this one, more personal and idea-based, and one for elixir that is focused on the business and thoughts on healthcare specifically.

the past three years since leaving speakeasy have been wild and, while difficult and definitely living hand to mouth for much of it, utterly amazing. it served to really synthesize and put a laser focus on what was important to me, what i cannot drop on the sidelines, how i feel satisfied and glorious and fine. and i do believe this is a forum for that, a place for my expressiveness over the past ten years to continue to evolve and grow.

so, i love giving massage; the experience is meditative, serene, peaceful and very sacred. but i am struggling with how to balance the act of the work itself with the industry climate in seattle. most specifically, i don't want to work in the insurance providership realm because i really don't think it resonates with what i want to do and be in that space, but in this city it's hard to bridge that gap and will take a lot of time to establish the business otherwise. what to do? it just doesn't feel right to me to head in that direction; the fix-it-cuz-it-hurts mentality is just not where i'm at with my work...but can i really focus for the next 5 years on building the business? i just don't see that happening. first off, i don't want to be in seattle in 2 years, let alone 5.

i love process, operations, developing how things should be done, thought of or presented. i think that is something that i excel in but i'm not really sure how to turn that into something i can work in. so i'm just going to remain open, keep my eyes open for new opportunities and see where life takes me. i think i have spent the last six months stressing about the business just not feeling right for me and i now have the clarity that it isn't right...and that just because i have invested a lot of time and money into it, i shouldn't keep struggling with it if it's not bringing me the joy that i'm seeking in my work/life balance.

the dg has been quite wonderful in helping me suss out how i'm truly feeling and i really appreciate having someone to bounce things off of that is going through something similar - ie. also developing and building a business...what that looks like, feels like, works like. it's so difficult to put all the pieces together but i am feeling closer than i have in years.

all that independant shit

3.07.08

i was thinking for awhile there that, perhaps, this would be the resting place of my twenties.

that might be semi-delicious, but i do believe i am back to feel it out again. it's been ten years--can you fucking believe that?--and when i think of anything that gives me a tiny space of holy, this comes up on the hit list.

so let's go, eh?

this is what i'm thinking: i have loved doing so many things in my life but i get all sorts of bent out of shape when the validity of those passions is based in the commercial viability; this is something that i have been struggling with for years. i don't need shiny shit, bitch--i just need connection. you probably don't have time/inclination, but if you read any of the past ten years you'll find that it's all about me trying to ground myself in this utterly groundless society. why do you think all these fuckers find oprah so fucking profound? she's shelling out the deep shit in the form of take a little bit of presence in your life--do what feels good--give and connect.

these are not deep sentiments; hell, they should be the cornerstone of respect. instead we're all muddied up and into our john galiano; give it up because it doesn't matter at the end of the day. i hate that anyone gives up cornering the market on common sense.

i mean i don't mean to slight oprah; but bitch is like one tiny corner of the planet and if she lived where she preached, she wouldn't be worth 2 billion usd.