autumn rising

9.02.07

i'm sure i have written about this before, but my time in ireland (12 years ago now--wow!) was perforated by intense introspection--something one might expect when one heads out into the world on their own at 19. one morning, anita greeted me in the kitchen with, 'you're really doing a lot of work in that little room up there, aren't you?' because every night seemed like more work in my dreams than i ever experienced out in the fields.

this most recent summer felt, in many ways, similar to that time. i think it's kind of like a cocoon or the growth rings of trees--struggling and painful, but also soft and formative. since my life changed so drastically last year, i hadn't had a moment to really sit back and focus on where i'm going, what i want, what i need, where i'm at, etc. in fact, if i look at the last few years, i haven't had a ton of time to search and look at myself because of

• supporting kay's transition
• changing my professional focus
• going through massage school
• thailand--an intense, surreal experience
• starting my own business
• breaking up with kay
• moving/changing my home life
• building the business
• coping with my insane part-time job (never again!)

i hadn't really had a chance to sit back and survey the situation in a really, really long time. so while i spent much of this summer confused and depressed, i think i needed the time to really mourn the changes, open myself up to new challenges, recharge and get ready to move forward. i hadn't taken much time for myself and didn't allow myself the time and space to analyze and accept all that has changed. honestly, i couldn't--i didn't have the luxury to hide away and process when the revolution of my last lifecycle came to an abrupt end last fall, and now--nearly a year later--i have finally fully processed that experience and feel grounded, powerful, optimistic.

so, these are the things that i know:

• building the business is imperative to this chapter of my life
• developing it on my own--learning how to build a business on my own and rely on myself to do so--is a very important aspect of this
  
• establishing a self-care routine is my main personal objective for this autumn/winter
• i need to trust myself
• i shouldn't be so hard on myself
• this shit should be fun

let's keep this shit straight, okay?