poem @ 5:29 a.m.

8.20.07

murky predawn
autumn falling
tomato-tinged
fog
coats streets, trees, skin
sliced apart by a
single streetlamp
its buttery
crescendo
accented by the
hovering hum of jet engines
and
my heart, an
irregular morse
hiccuping signals
1200 miles away
this love--a tickle
at the back of
your throat
or
a soft whir
(butterflies)
shuttering in your
belly
tripping up your spine
warming you in
the night
this love has a
message all its own:
between us
it inhabits every empty space
lacing
us together with a thick
filigree
holding us closely
firmly
while we are apart

bleary irises

8.10.07

while i'm still feeling terrifically confused and my lack of faith in myself has hit a new low, two chats last night (one with ma, the other with the d.g.) and a deep sleep have left me feeling a bit better than yesterday.

i took rolo on a long walk in the evening and we went down to the 12 ave s overlook; it was a warm-ish, clear evening and we were the only ones at the park. i sat looking over the industrial parts of seattle for awhile, thinking about my history, what has brought me to this point in my life, where i will go from here and then thought, okay--if i can't do this, what can i do? what do i want to do?

it's true that i put so much time and energy into the space and i'd really hate to lose it. but perhaps that's what needs to happen and i need to move into a different chapter of my professional life. but i'm not giving up yet, and i'm going to sit down today and brainstorm for awhile and think about what i would like to be doing most in my life, then figuring out how i'm going to get there. this will need to be an exercise performed in a public space because otherwise it might be trumped by sobbing!

i'm going in for acupuncture this morning and perhaps that will help ground me a little bit.

confessions

8.09.07

this year has been filled with so many incredible highs and lows. if i thought last year was going to top the list of rollercoaster rides, i think i may have been under-appreciating how much work would be involved with redefining my reality after the last definitions forged with another had been shattered.

for most of this summer i have been fairly depressed. since leaving my part-time job in may, i have been focusing on the business and i find it to be a fairly isolating experience. i knew that i started this thing with a partner for a reason, but that partner decided she wanted to just do things on her own and so, since january, i have been in my business on my own...at first, i thought i could handle that and that it would give me the freedom to do what i wanted, but now i find that the community, the collaboration, the team work is what i really love. i love connecting with people--it is something i understood about myself years ago and one of the reasons i stayed at speakeasy--and while i love the moments working with clients and sharing, learning, listening to them...the rest of the time is pretty lonely. how do i get excited about this?

i've fallen in love with an amazing man who has moved to san francisco and is very focused on his own life path at the moment; i love him deeply and it's important to me that we stay connected, but it's hard to feel so alone. my mom calls and gives me pep talks, which have helped immensely (thanks ma!) and remind me that i'm not alone...it's hard for me to connect with my friends here anymore since we are all on different paths and there is not much common ground these days. it's difficult to speak with them about what i'm going through because many of them respond like just get another job or just do that or just do this and they don't get that it's not about that. it's about figuring out who i am, what i need, how to live my life.

sometimes, it's difficult just for me to maintain. this week, i've been a mess; depressed, incredibly low energy, can't find the ground or the sky. lu and i just cuddle and sometimes bring in rolo and i read a lot. but that's no way to build a business, katherine! that's no way to make your way in the world! i know that i'm good as a massage therapist and i need the patience and motivation to make it work...two spices i'm unfortunately nearly bereft of at the moment.

god, what a sorry excuse for an entry. but it's what i'm feeling and it's going out into the ether just...like...that.