high pitched bass note

12.31.06

i sometimes wonder if i'm crazy. i remember once pounding my father's chest and screaming that i was going crazy and didn't anyone notice?!?! and he just stared at me blankly. that was the first time i realized i had no idea how to communicate.

at the core of it, i just really want to connect with someone...and i guess i don't know how to do that. or, those that can connect with me are so few and far between that i've got to spend tons of time with lame ass bitches to meet one murky pearl.

maybe i scare people with my intensity? i think i'm open wide and maybe that's just too damn much for some. i said once that i refused to let other people's bullshit hem in how i express myself...and although i still feel that way, i realize that i'm going to have to toughen up quite a bit, steel myself and be prepared to deal with a lot of shit--i'm a downy duck, i'm a downy duck.

static on stereo

12.29.06

things go up and down; it's a maelstrom and generally it comes out nicely but sometimes i feel the burn.

today has been a hard day--crying for no reason except for this keen feeling that i have lost my best friend and how that's the worst part of breaking up...other relationship trappings are easy to replace, but that deep connection, the symmetry, humor, flavor is lost in the shuffle.

i've tried to connect with people since and i'm finding it difficult to maintain my footing. i don't really know who i am, maybe, or maybe i know too much and i can't reconcile that with this absolute feeling of worthlessness. it felt so good to be loved for so long and now that it's gone i'm like, wtf? where is my beautiful house?

tomorrow is the completion of the old house and i'm really not looking forward to spending time there on my own, cleaning it up and moving on for good. i'm looking for the strength, know i cannot fall into another depression, need to keep moving forward and staying positive...through a force of will alone, i think, i might see the other side. but right now i just want someone to hold me and tell me everything is going to be alright; that i'm wonderful, sweet, good, worthy and, most importantly, lovable. because right now i feel none of these things and really don't know what is so fucking wrong with the woman i have become.

in a safe place

12.03.06

that last post = too much red wine and all alone in a big house (except for rolo!) i'm feeling in much better spirits today...had a great wake-up call from my mother and things went up from there. took rolo to the dog park, made an awesome dinner for myself, watched some funny brit comedies and then took a bath. now i'm feeling refreshed, alive, ready for the week.

i've been doing the dating thing and it has, overall, been quite fun. i've met some interesting guys and i had forgotten how great just simple conversation can be. the next month is going to be a bit difficult as i work to move from the ballard house to the UNHOLY SORORITY on beacon, but, come next year, things will be fabulous again and this muddy little blip will be just one more road bump that i ran into, stubbed my toe, checked the height and hopped over. i feel good.

little girl blue

12.02.06

too many changes; i can't even face them myself...i gave up some aspects of my power and now i'm the loser. i didn't ever want to depend on the kindness of "strangers;" in fact, i had thought i was more than that, i had thought i was more lovely, or more important...but now i realize that i trusted the wrong person and now i feel like a fool. with a big fucking mess to clean up and no real sunshine to speak of.