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3.16.05
on the brisk cusp of murkiness
yesterday was my first day of class and it was amazing. it felt good to be in an environment
filled with such positivity, openness, curiosity and grace. the school is very committed to a
non-judgemental learning environment and all of us students seem to be committed to that as well;
i can't recall the last time i was in a room with 40 other people, from incredibly different
walks of life, who all had one major thing in common: they are interested in connecting with
others at a level that is difficult to practice without some type of training - whether it be
in the healthcare or spirituality fields.
my class has about 20 people in it and we spent most of yesterday getting to know each other and
the school. what a fabulous experience. it was great to see how people slowly opened up to
one another and i'm excited to get to know each of them better. for the next year, they are going
to be my compatriots and i'm going to experience the highs and lows of learning with them; very exciting.
interesting astrological forecast for this week:
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It's a good time for you to think about your
relationship to human beings who haven't been born yet. Is there
anything you can do to be more conscious about making your life a gift to
the future? What might you create that would enhance the destinies of
our descendants? How can you conduct yourself so that you will not only
help preserve the wonders we live amidst, but actually enhance them? As
you ponder your possible contributions--and maybe also take practical
action to deepen your commitment to them--keep in mind this thought
from Lewis Carroll: "It's a poor sort of memory that only works
backward."
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i hope that i am doing this, and that by changing my field of work and following a different path that will,
hopefully, contribute to an overall greater understanding of the human mind and body--like viewing
healthcare as a distributed programming project: each worker garnering data from each person
with which they work, then analyzing it a bit on their own, then pushing it back out into the general
healthcare field for further computation and analysis within the context of all the other pieces of
information--that i am, in my small way, looking out for future generations. i think in the areas of
gender/sexuality, there is still much science to be learned about the physical/mental influences/causes
of identity perception, and a greater understanding of these roots could light the fire of acceptance
of gender and sexual variance throughout the world.
this kind of astrological tip is bolstering; i do feel that, for perhaps the first time in my life, i am
following the path to becoming something bigger than myself; never before have i felt so keenly that i am
doing what i'm meant to be doing. it's beautiful; peaceful.
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3.10.05
when i'm in my dengue
my neighbor and i have been working on preparing our vegetable garden and i have blisters! it's
wonderful to have the time to dig my hands down into the dirt and break into a good, healthy sweat.
this morning, i fertilized, tilled and watered the plot in preparation for our planting party on
sunday. kay and i went to the nursery yesterday and it was really difficult not to buy all
the seeds they had!
it feels good to feel good, after so many years of feeling bad. i know that i left that job when i
was good and ready, no regrets, but sometimes i can't believe that i didn't leave before! i'm so at
peace with where my life is heading, incredibly positive and optimistic; it's sort of weird to think that
this time last year i felt so conflicted, optionless, negative. i just need to keep my eye on the sunshine,
i guess. lesson learned: even when it's messy and seems like there is no end to the sadness/fear/depression/lethargy/whatever,
there is. i keep dreaming about my ex-girlfriend jenn, who committed suicide about a year ago, and
god how i wish i could have shared that lesson with her. she was so young, it was bound to get better. i'm
still incredibly angry and sad about that--she was such an amazing person; no wonder she keeps coming up in
my dreams...unfinished business.
my car is again with the living and i'm looking forward to going hiking and camping this summer with kay. i
need to buy a few essentials (but who says you really need sleeping bags?!?!!?!) and then we should be good
to go for, hopefully, last minute weekend jaunts to the mountains or the coast. things to do when you don't
have a lot of cash....
i'm hoping that i can stretch my savings so that i don't have to work while i go to massage shool, but i
drafted up my resume just in case i see a dream job. i really wish i had more of a financial cushion to
work with, but i guess being poor is the price of independence, no?
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3.7.05
and how she was when she was beautiful
the past month has been a blast--it feels good to have time to myself.
i had forgotten what it was like to live a life driven by something other
than corporate bullshit until my brother mentioned to me that one of the speakeasy execs whom i detest is
talking shit about me, and it really pissed me off. i thought that i had worked through my anger regarding
him, but i guess i haven't, so, to that end, i have wrote a letter to him detailing how much i loathe him,
which is sort of hard to quantify because my vitriol knows no limits.
as negative as that is, and as embarassed as i am that i feel so much hatred toward this individual,
it really felt good to put it down, let it go.
i also had lunch with a former co-worker on friday, someone that i thought that i really connected with and
with whom i'd stay in contact after leaving speakeasy. i realized that elisa had pretty much always been
right: he's a total political animal and it really surprised me to hear him say that he was the happiest
there now than he'd ever been, especially when nearly everyone else that i speak with is frustrated and angry
beyond words. he used to put a lot of effort into relating to me, but i felt that now that
i am no longer there, he was pretty disinterested in me, so i guess our friendship was not as
deep as i had felt. i used to think i was pretty perceptive about people, but now i realize that i'm
about 50/50 on my ability to spot someone that is ingenuine. i try to expect the best of people, with mixed
results.
i dunno, i still have a lot to work through about my time at speakeasy and the mixed emotions that i have
about working there for as long as i did. it's an understatement to say that i'm glad i left: euphoria does
not begin to cover how i feel about not having to deal with that dysfunctional environment. it really is
toxic; who knew that something once so great would grow so rotten? if i'm honest with myself, however, i can trace
back the cracks to find their roots in the foundation. it never was a wonderful environment, nor was it
as warm and fuzzy as my nostalgia would have me believe. but it was pretty damn good for a long while and,
for that, i am thankful.
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{copyright
katherine oak 1997 - 2005}
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