i have been developing the habit of waking rather early, regardless of alarm clocks or general desire. between 6 and 6:30 in the morning, my eyes will simply open and no manner of meditation will bring me back into slumber.

this past year has been amazing; had i been able to forecast the highs, lows, beauty, surprise, joy and learning i have experienced during the last 365 days, i would certainly not have believed it. highlights include:

• my ever-flourishing relationship with kay, who, through arduous work and personal turmoil that i cannot even begin to understand, is slowly becoming the woman of my dreams - i've always felt that patience was a virtue i had yet to truly embody, but my time with kay has taught me that the old adage, "good things come to those who wait," has more than just a grain of truth in it. i love her more than i could have grasped loving anyone and i look forward with immense anticipation to all our future learning and adventures together.
• my nutrition class during winter quarter, which opened my eyes up to a whole new world of understanding my body, how to eat and an additional facet to my eventual career goals. it has been a slow process to unlearn all of the bad habits that i was socialized with growing up, but it's steadily progressing.
• my therapy sessions with martha - these have ended (my last session occurred before i went to mexico in october) because much of the work i was doing came to a head in several life altering decisions that i have made over the past couple of months. i will always cherish the guidance and assistance she provided to me, and will be forever thankful for her referral to dr. rashmi pace.
• working with dr. pace has been one of the most wonderful things about this past year: she was able to diagnose a few imbalances that i had (specifically in my thyroid and adrenal glands) and recommend herbal supplements that have changed my life. the latter part of this year has been all about me coming out of a muggy existence in which i felt trapped, angry, desperate, alone and depressed. thanks, in large part, to my work with her, and my beginning research into ayurvedic principles, i have started along the path to balance. at one time, i had no hope that my depression could be alleviated by anything but prescription medicine; dr. pace has shown me that there are other, extremely helpful modalities which were able to find the root of physical issues that contributed to my mental imbalance. i'm crying as i write this, out of relief and of hope. i can't thank her enough and i plan to work with her as long as i possibly can.
• our travels to new orleans in the spring - this was so much fun! the best part was our kayaking tour of the swamps, which far exceeded my previous canoe tour with sprocket during fall of 2002. it was definitely one of the most peaceful, simplistic joys i have felt in my life; it reminded me why i love the quietness of undeveloped country.
• our travels to the yucatan in the fall - i can't begin to describe how wondrous this experience was! spending time with una and damian, experiencing their wedding, climbing around mayan ruins, getting to know the sweet and amazing yucatecan people; all of it was transforming. i look forward to spending more time down there with una and her new family & community.
• crafting thanksgiving dinner for my whole family - all on my own! what an undertaking: a meal that had originally been planned for just my mother, sean, kay and i morphed as my other brothers, their families, and even one of our cousins decided to come up for the festivities. i don't think i'll cook a turkey again (it's too disturbing!), but being able to have all my family in one place and to feed them healthy, yummy organic, whole foods provided a sense of satisfaction that reminded me how domestic i am becoming as the years pass. i really love to share like that and even though money is going to be tight for the next couple of years, i'm going to make the effort to continue the tradition.
• giving my notice at speakeasy. while i'm still working there for another month, the process of giving my notice, talking it through with the founder and mentally preparing for my exit has been incredibly cleansing. i'm so ready to move on, i can't imagine staying there for any reason. i learned and grew so much from that experience and i'll be forever grateful for the faith and time that mike and gretchen gave me over the years - where else would i have had the opportunity to move from a substitute night barista into helping to build and shape a nationally competitive broadband service organization? the experience and learning about not only how to do things but what i want to do will always stay with me. i grew up there, it taught me a lot about who i am and what i want/need out of life. The last two years have been peppered with more negative experiences than positive experiences, but i see now that they were all part of the process of me understanding myself - and, sometimes, the naiveté has to take a beating in the name of progress. well, i took my medicine and now i'm ready to move on.
• My decision to go to massage school is probably one of the both easiest and hardest ones i've ever made. i'm such a worrywart, i'm always afraid i'll pick the wrong path. but i realized that any path that felt even an inkling of rightness was okay, because i know the general direction that i want my life to go in and although i can't control how all the chips fall, i might as well start the slow, cyclical evolution toward my ideal.
• The realization & internalization that the only real control we have in life is in teaching ourselves how to surf the chaos.

for 2005, i have simple plans and i'm looking forward to them immensely. here is a snapshot of what i think i will be working on over the next 12 months:

• massage school : this will, arguably, take up the majority of my time, beginning in march and concluding in february of the 2006. i will begin an elective anatomy & physiology introduction course in mid-january, about which i'm very excited. in addition to the 24 hours per week that i'll be in class, i'll be required to provide a specific number of hours of free massage outside of class, as well as the usual studying. i'm hoping that if i swing my savings in the right direction, i won't need to work until i have completed the course. here's to living frugally again!
• wellness : this is a new commitment to myself that has been growing in strength over the past several months and which is crucial to my success in the bodywork field. i am changing my dietary habits, exercising more and i plan to begin a yoga intensive in february, once i'm finished with speakeasy and have the time to attend their 11am classes. this, in combination with daily lap swimming, is my planned regimen over the next year as i seek to build the strength and body care practices that will support my massage work.
• ayurveda : i have just begun reading about this intriguing treatment modality and it really makes sense to me. understanding my body, feeling more present in it and learning its "tells" has been an enriching process. i think it's very unfortunate that the american society has grown so detached from its body; our record obesity and plastic surgery rates demonstrate our collective inability to understand the fragility and purposeful designs of our bodies. being socialized in this environment, i was never really taught to listen to my body, or to understand how to interpret its reactions to differing stimuli. ayurveda is a practice that i definitely intend on developing and incorporating into my future work in holistic psychology.
• simple living : how much is enough? in many ways, i feel that i have attained any materially-related goals that i may have had (however meager they may be) and my drive for financial gain has been superseded by my drive for personal satisfaction in my work and life. The tenets of the simple living and even the slow food movements make so much sense to me. many of the ideas i was first introduced to by anita during my time working on her farm in ireland. amazing that nearly 10 years have passed since that experience and that it still shines such a divining light on my goals, ideals and actions. besides, simple living seems like a good way to go when i'm facing a year without work living off a small savings account. i'm hopeful that i will learn to live a less impactful, more enriching life by cutting out the rat race that i somehow landed in.
• work : as previously mentioned, i hope that all my work this year will be in furthering my skills in bodywork and learning about holistic health care modalities, but in the event that i need a part time job, i'm sort of looking forward to the idea of working in a coffee shop or restaurant again. there are no stresses that i cannot handle! it actually sounds appealing and i may think about finding something that is part of my general direction anyway - we'll see.
• travel : unfortunately, i won't be getting in as much as i would like to, but i have organized two adventures during my time off in february. The first will begin the day after my final day at speakeasy: florida! i have always wanted to explore the keys and the everglades; although i will be there for just a week and will only scratch the surface of the area, i'm sure that i will have a grand time and want to go back. preliminary planning includes a trip to st. augustine (the oldest city in the u.s.) gainesville (zora neale hurston's birth & resting place), a drive to key west (including an overnight stay), some type of kayaking tour of the everglades and, if there is time and the price is right, a tour of the kennedy space center (i'm an astronaut at heart). the second trip is to san francisco, to spend time with the brood of friends that have relocated there over the past year or so - we're at 11 and counting! also just a week, my main goal is to visit friends and to finally get around to moma - i say it every time i go, eventually it will come to pass!
• forecast : what i'd like to focus on during 2005 can be best summed up by the sage of poignant inspiration himself, rob brezny -

this next year is going to be interesting. i'll be unemployed for the majority of it (hopefully) as i spend most of my time absorbed in the fine art of massage therapy (a.k.a. the official license to grope). i'm going to have zero extra cash to travel or to really get rowdy, but it will be good for me to learn how to live on less again. after all, i did it for years before i was paid anything of consequence at speakeasy, so i have no doubt that with enough imagination i'll be able to make it on my savings. perhaps i'll get some kind of part time job to supplement my nest egg; we'll have to see.

it's strange because i was so scared for so long of not having the financial security i'd come to depend on during my latter years at speakeasy. now, however, i have the keen faith that i'll be okay, and that no matter what i'll be able to achieve my goals simply because i'm willing to work hard for them and also keep a healthy sense of humor about the curve balls that occasionally sock me in the gut. i have no doubt that it will be difficult and challenging to realize my dream of dr. kat, but that's actually part of what attracts me to the endeavor. i look forward to risking a little bit and seeing how i fair. i mean, why not? what else am i going to do - spend my life counting peanuts in order to maintain some illusion of "security"?