october 11, 2004

skip

sometimes it's just difficult to keep my head above water, and to remember what i need to do, how i need to do it. i get bogged down with stupid details, depressed, and i don't know how to pull myself out of it.

shock therapy?

october 9, 2004

not this time, pie

saturn says: find new friends.

i can't logically explain what exactly it is that drives me to detest the majority of individuals with whom i come into contact with on a social level, but the fact remains that my skin crawls when i'm around them. what is it, why is it, how is it? i keep wondering if it's some sort of self-esteem/jealousy issue, like I'm totally envious of whatever small champion they are, and it's irking me. actually, i think it's because most of them are incredibly self-satisfied and, having never consciously been so myself, i of course believe that anyone who does feel such an emotion is premature and one dimensional.

but, i lie. in fact, i have been pretty self-satisfied in the past. perhaps what really bothers me is being around those that continue to be while my self-satisfaction plummets. it's hard to deal with those that enjoy their life (and even harder not to belittle it) when i don't enjoy mine -- specifically so after an extended period of digging reality, or, at least, myself. now that I'm faced with some grating questions, such as, "why the fuck did you" and "how the fuck could you" -- i realize that I'm just waging petty wars. and if i don't get around this sometime soon, I'm going to be caught up in defending the details, when the overall maneuver is really up for grabs.

generally, i seem to push two types of people away: those that register as terrifically hollow and those that possess a perspective and evaluation that i value & trust. one i eschew out of boredom; the other, out of fear.

why am i so afraid of someone else's truth? i can only imagine the worst possible perspective (based on my own value system, of course, so probably very different in context but perhaps similar in sentiment) and, therefore, strive to protect myself from realizing the full dull corners of it.

at the heart of it, i wish i was more than i was; that my dreams weren't just carefully filed reinterpretations of reality.