april 27, 2004

every day together

i've just spent a lot of time - possibly too much - trying to be someone that i'm not. i have to let that go. i'm not the ideal i'd like to pretend to be, and continuing to strive for it is going to further cement my elemental sadness.

april 18, 2004

used saves

march finished up the insane winter quarter stint, wherein i thought i could work 50 hours per week, plus take two classes and maintain all social relationships without going mad. i almost achieved this -- but i went a little mad and didn't interact with very many people. to celebrate the near success, brett and i went to new orleans. the highlight of the adventure was a kayaking trip in the jean lafitte national reserve, thick swamp bordered by rich humidity; peppered with alligators, miniature frogs and bard owls.

upon return, i still felt as if i was barely keeping my head above water, and i sunk into yet another bout with depression. at this point, i feel rather numb -- heightening frustration in the work place, uncertainty regarding my chosen "this is meaning, this is the direction" path, sadness in watching some friendships slide away from me (yet feeling powerless to retrieve them from beneath the wheels of change) and an overall longing for transformation have combined into a dull roar, a constant peanut gallery humming in a restless din; the resulting amalgam canceling everything out, rendering all details in a loose parchment hue.

i am thinking of going into a massage program, in order to take a different approach to my overall goal and begin working in the holistic therapy field sooner. my current work is feeding a negativity into all that i do, and even though the money is good, i can't afford such a withdrawal on my mental health.

this site used to provide me some sense of freedom in sharing my thoughts, feelings, ideas. but now i feel it a painfully scrutinizing lens and i have no real drive to continue to contribute to it. i don't know if it serves any real purpose anymore. in my self-absorption, i thought that i had something unique, interesting and poignant to say about life, but, essentially, i don't. my experience may be unique in any number of minor ways, but it lacks any real insight into the human condition. good things and not so good things occur in my life and i formerly recorded them here because i wanted to remember and share them with others -- i felt they had some importance and merit. i don't feel that way anymore, but that's okay. i write this as a means of excusing my absence here. i am simply too confused.