february 1, 2004

deep

spent the past few days sick and cyclically depressed, causing the usual neurotic discrediting of decisions either recently made or in the process. no matter how many times i try to remind myself that it's only the hormones getting the better of me, i still sink into an intolerable hole - little to no hope, suicidal daydreams, sobbing at the thought of all the crumbling opportunity around me.

but then i start to bleed and everything comes back into perspective again.

woke up early yesterday morning to accept the delivery of my new sofas. unfortunately, the sofa itself was too large to move into the building - damn exit signs above all the doors in the stairwells cut the ceiling height by about a foot, and we couldn't move it in. the delivery guys gave me some tips on how we could work around when next my landlord was available, but i made the decision to call the salesperson and purchase the loveseat version instead. after all, i'm eventually going to have to move the damn things myself, so why sign myself up for a pain in the ass? the love seat will be delivered next saturday, which will give sean and i the time to setup some wireless action and rearrange the apartment. i was having a bit of buyer's remorse this past week, since i'd bought the couches at the end of december and they had yet to arrive (giving me more than enough time to talk myself out of how much i need them), but now that the big comfy armchair is here, i dig it.

whilst waiting for the delivery, i read through my tarot for the first time in quite awhile. it was all basically centering around my present restlessness and dissatisfaction, implying that some great creative feat is on the horizon. it's all i can do to keep my nose to the grindstone at work and school, i want to travel so badly. but it's a very short sighted keen, i suppose - i really crave that rush of freedom that accompanies the departure for some delicious adventure. i just can't reconcile my needs for "security" with my needs for "exploration." it's always been an internal battle.

i count myself incredibly lucky to be in the space that i am in my life right now, but there is a bittersweet aspect to it. my relationship with brett is wonderful, it gives me a lot of peace and happiness, but since we're both going through some fairly intense changes right now and we're also very busy with our respective work/schooling obligations, we don't get to spend as much quality time together as we'd both like. it feels like we may need to leave town each school break in order to have some reconnecting time - which isn't so bad, really. i'm still learning so much from our interaction and i really adore him. i don't think i can adequately express how deeply in love with him i am, at least not in my limited vocabulary.

i think i'm heading in the right direction - i can't be positive, of course, since that kind of confidence seems to be found only in retrospect. but i think i am, and i guess that's all that really counts right now, right?