january 13, 2004

the afternoon has arrived in a washed out gray
clouds melding with smoke stacks
buildings fading into the atmosphere

i have a mishmash to plaster here:

monster
i watched this film last friday and was pretty much blown away. yeah, it's hollywood. yeah, it's fictionalized. but holy shit was it intense - deeply moving and sweet and saddening. i would guess that the majority of individuals that revert to such reptilian instincts are somehow the product of their society, but i've never really bothered to examine their histories or pathology - and just a glimpse of wuornos' perspective moved me irrevocably. i previously had little knowledge of her, so the next day i searched for some information surrounding her case and what i found saddened me even more - a catalogue of abuse and neglect that dated back to her early childhood, potentially causing her uncontrollable anger; a report of her letter to the florida state supreme court in which she requested to fire her legal counsel and suspend all appeals included her statement, "i'm one who seriously hates human life and would kill again." i found that incredibly ______. i sometimes intensely dislike living within a society that shapes people like that and can't help but feel we should put ourselves on trial, not the angry, disenchanted and hateful products of our inability to transcend our id.

school
first night of human nutrition 150 was canceled due to crazy polar blow job '04, so my initial class was last thursday and i dug it. tonight was round two and so far so good. last quarter didn't go as well as i wanted it to, but having a lame teacher can do that, i guess. anyway, so far i'm learning all about the six nutrient groups, how to read food labels and how to convert calories to grams to % of recommended daily allowances. too fun! not only am i interested in pursuing some type of mind -> body psychotherapeutic connection regarding future work paths, but i'm very excited to learn how to improve my own relationship with food and understand how to nourish myself better. it's sad that k - 12 schools normally don't teach these kinds of things and i didn't get much positive direction from my parents on this one - i've got to undo a lot of bad habits, but it's not like it can't be done. discipline, darlink!

i'm also taking an english 101 class online, which thus far has provided a few writing exercises and some bulletin board posts with my peers. it's good to get some practica in and to have deadlines around creative writing - nice break from all the copy and tech writing i bang around at work.

work
speaking of which, things are pretty hot and heavy around the old speakeasy. i've been incredibly busy as of late and trying as hard as i can to only work 40 hours per week, which has contributed to me fine tuning my job description a bit, primarily due to time constraints. it's pretty cool to be able to put some change into place - we've some long-standing infrastructural issues that are slowly being sorted out. i think for the first time we have a bit of breathing room with regard to economic stability and so it's allowing us to take a step back and evaluate what we can improve. although this job isn't the end all and be all of my career aspirations, it's satisfying to learn how to implement change in a positive and holistic manner - a skill that i can use throughout my life, no doubt.

petal
brett and i have hit a lovely groove. i really adore him and although we needed to work through some of the tougher aspects of new relationships - trust, understanding - and non-monogamy - trust, understanding - i feel really positive about how everything is evolving. certainly, for awhile, i was concerned that i didn't have the constitution for a non-monogamous relationship, but as time and openness to new experiences has proved, i can handle just about anything.

speaking with the lovely b this afternoon, he mentioned that while he thinks it's cool that i've worked through some of my more painful/negative emotions regarding non-monogamy, he didn't think he wanted to work through them himself. i thought that it was interesting to set those kinds of limits on oneself - but can understand that if it ain't broke, why try to fix it? accepting one's jealousy as part of the package of who you are isn't a bad thing if that jealousy isn't causing you to self-destruct. for quite some time now i have endeavored to experience life as if it were a science experiment - setting up control groups, augmenting variables, tracking the effects - with the sole purpose of expanding my perspective. unfortunately (?) this can't be done without some discomfort - the pain of growing new parts of oneself and allowing other parts to die, perhaps?

42
i was mentioning to mi carino ross that i am surprisingly angst-free as of late. i'm sure that something nasty is coming down the pike, what with my saturn return prepping to school me and all, but i feel so centered, peaceful and, perhaps for the first time since i walked along that deserted road on the beara peninsula at nineteen, i have a pretty fucking good idea of where i'm going. perhaps i should plan a ten year anniversary trip and hitch hike those lovely roads again.