september 22, 2003

cornflaked

so i am a bit disheartened right at this moment. for the past few months, the idea of going back to school and taking that specific class had really helped me through alot of the dissatisfaction at work and in my life. i felt like i had a general direction to head in and now i feel like i'm back at ground zero.

i know i'm being a bit dramatic, i can always attempt to work my voodoo and coerce my way into a couple of night classes, but i was really looking forward to that specific class. it seemed too good to be true - exactly what i was looking for, when i was looking for it - and it was.

it's funny because a small part of me was like, oh, hum. okay, well, i could just concentrate on working and saving money and then take off on some long-term traveling adventure instead of going back to school. i mean, maybe i do need to vagabond around the world for awhile - maybe that is the direction i'm supposed to head in - the dream that needs to rear it's pretty little head once again and be taken seriously this time.

honestly, i don't know what to do. i had been planning and buckling down for this quarter and now that the carrot has been yanked out from in front of me, perhaps i need to take a step back and think about things.

pursuing psychology with a gender/sexual identity and/or personality focus still intrigues me to no end. but does my interest lie in a therapeutic realm? or should i pursue knowledge on my own and incorporate it into something other than a counseling practice &/or research? my gut feeling tells me that I'm heading in the right direction here with regard to the discipline itself, but maybe I'm going about it all wrong. after all, there's an uncountable number of ways to "connect" with my fellow humans - i just need to get imaginative/creative about it.

i mean, really - i can do whatever i want. i just need to make a decision, put the wheels in motion and go for it.

september 20, 2003

"would you believe i was the first bitch to unload?"

back in the glory days of the terrorist cooking class, we created a lot of incredibly interesting music, including a few gems here and there. i always remember being absolutely overjoyed/thrilled/ecstatic every time we hit some sort of groove and produced a few minutes of magic. 2000 - 2001 was a very powerful year in my life.

i'll try not to get too trapped in nostalgia, because the creases of joy in that year were surrounded by a lot of pain - i remember it all too well. but i learned a lot - and treasure that adventure in the same fashion as any exploration of foreign shores.

i feel at the edge of something - a lot of changes in the making, i'll be interested to see how the next few months pan out. last night, i read this week's horoscope and it really struck me:

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Beginnings and endings will be overlapping in the near future, Scorpio. They will demand that you grow rapidly. It won't always be easy to tell them apart, either; you'll have to become wiser faster in order to understand the clues. Here are two meditations to guide you: 1. Which of the long-running dramas of your life have run their course? 2. What struggling dreams are aching to resurrect themselves and bloom again as if for the first time? Once you figure out the answers to those questions, act dynamically to nurture what's being born and expedite the dissolution of what's dying.

of course, i've my coveted ideas regarding which dramas will run their course and which dreams need a little bit of the light of day, but i have the feeling that perhaps i haven't even yet truly conceived either.

september 14, 2003

joy ride on main street

something that i've needed to remind myself about, with regard to my previous entry, is that every relationship finds its own place. it's just a patience thing, of course; a virtue on which i've always had a rather loose grip.

one thing i must learn to do: not internalize so much of what my lover is doing/thinking/wanting. all of that can be separate from how he/she feels about me, and actions do not always speak louder than words because often actions are not even associated with the words spoken. i always thought "baggage" was what made you shut down or be crazy or not want to fuck in a certain position - but now i realize that "baggage" is an interpretive thumb print in one's mind; a hue that imbues a specific emotion and/or interpretation on an action, event, conversation that is not necessarily accurate. or, rather, not what the other individual(s) intended.

while in an hallucinogenic spree the other night, i stated rather calmly, "my life would be so much easier if i wasn't so fucking obsessed with myself."

yeah yeah - but, like any habit - how do i quit?

september 6, 2003

systematic red

i had been planning on taking la rana out for a bit of a joy ride with max & adrienne this evening, but i'm feeling home-body-centric and have elected, instead, to stay home and continue with the unpacking spree i've been on.

went out with brett last night and, as usual, shit just came up and we ended up talking about our relationship. i don't like that it seems to be coming up more often than not over the past few weeks and, aside from just bottling up how i'm feeling, i'm not sure how to ebb it. the issue is that i need from our relationship what he simply cannot give right now and that leaves me in a tough position.

historically, i have just reverted to friendship when i have been involved with someone and one or both of our expectations for the relationship changed and didn't jive. deep down i know that my friendship with brett will continue for a long time to come, and i don't want to revert simply to friendship and the expectations that i personally bring to that dynamic because i suppose i'm holding out for the possibility that he eventually will be able to provide me with what i need. we're in different spaces right now and while he does speak to how much he loves me and the importance of my involvement in his life, i don't really feel it - it could be me or it could be him. i'm not sure what to chalk it up to at this point, actually.

there are a few balls in the air with regard to both new relationship and life experiences that have caused me to be pretty emotional. i feel like the non-monogamous aspect of our relationship just can't be supported right now because of other issues - i need too much validation from him right now, too much of his time and attention for me to feel comfortable with or not to negatively internalize his desire to have multiple relationships. i engaged in this with the knowledge that it was going to give my self esteem and security issues a run for their money - and it has - but i don't really know if it is evolving into a positive thing...do i have the personal emotional strength to overcome this or not? because, honestly, he cannot provide the support that i seem to need right now with regard to non-monogamy.

i suppose i always approached the idea of non-monogamy as a sort of if-it-happens-it-happens and brett's aggressive approach to dating other people has really rubbed me the wrong way. it's true that i have more expectations of my romantic, intimate relationships than even my intimate friendships, and because he does not, there is a disconnect with us. additionally, i am in a place where i'd like to be working on something that has a more long-term vibe to it, and he's definitely not interested in pursuing something like that right now.

certainly, i don't feel like i need much - basically i want to be with someone who wants to be with me just as much - and is willing to make a priority of that because our relationship means something to them. maybe i make bad decisions regarding with whom i attempt to pursue relationships, but i've rarely been with someone who i felt dug me as much as i dug them. that needed me and wanted me and looked forward to sharing things with me - because those are all the things that i want to give. so maybe it's just a case of me learning how to seperate what i can give to a relationship from what i expect from a relationship. it doesn't have to be the same thing, no?

i love him dearly and really want to be in his life - it may just be that i need to bite the bullet and face the fact that we're not going to connect right now - if ever - in the way that i want and need. i have a habit of trying to change myself to fit my lovers' expectations, and that was one reason why i engaged in celibacy for so long - to get my head and heart strong about who i am and what i need, and to not supplicate to easy as a method of finding validation.

he has taught me so much - our relationship has been one of my most fearless adventures - i am absolutely better for the experience. yes, there is pain involved, but i need to start letting people in to what i'm feeling and thinking, unedited.

what was i saying all those months ago about unconditional love? kat - if you want to give it, you may have to break a few things first.

september 2, 2003

clear

joem has the following .sig :

i believe that the moment is near when, by a procedure of active paranoiac thought, it will be possible to systematize confusion and contribute to the total discrediting of the world of reality. -- salvador dali

i really dig that.

september 1, 2003

you'll be taken care of

the best thing about my new place could be the view. at night, it reminds me of someone that i wanted to be when i was younger.