august 22, 2003

"car-parts, bottles and cutlery
or whatever i find lying around"

one of the lovelier experiences in my life was listening to björk perform live. although i couldn't see much, tucked into the crowd as i was, it was blissful to just stand there and groove through the orchestral beatbox of her art.

this week has been long, tiring. the ramp up to the big move and several simultaneous projects rolling at work have proven taxing - but part of me feels like i should just kick everything into gear right now, in preparation for this fall's madcrazylocadaze.

difficult but wonderful are the lessons learned while navigating the sensibility of another.

august 13, 2003

shot a cop

in the midst of packing, as we're planning to begin the moving process on sunday afternoon. although i had feared i'd not be able to actually get rid of anything while going through it all this time, i have surprised myself by finding quite a bit of property with which it is time to part.

now, this is all very boring, isn't it? i have been accused of being a "personal finance nerd" by the lovelee, and now i'm getting all wet at the thought of organizing and simplifying my possessions. please, goddess, no more early shades of my mother! i love her, but i'm not ready to become a fussy old broad quite yet. (sorry, mom.)

spent tuesday evening with brett - we attended what can only be described as "performance art," munched down at the mecca and came back to my place for some delicious reconnecting. the time that we spend together provides me with so much elation and happiness - last week's process and conversations only served to make us closer. sometimes understanding one you love can be painful at first, but learning more about what they need and how they work is invaluable. yesterday marked 9 months of this lovely intimacy, and even though it can be rough sometimes, i treasure it to no end and wish for it to remain a constant inspiration in my life.

on to another subject: school. so, this is the description for the coordinated studies class i will begin on 9/29:

"of body and mind: coordinates anatomy & physiology, psychology, english and literature in an exploration of the mind-body connection. explore concepts such as nature/nurture, biology as destiny, and the language people use to write and talk about body and mind. discussions of the scientific method, alternative medicine, the systems approach to mind-body studies, and concepts of pathology and illness will be conducted. open to any student interested in an innovative, discovery-oriented approach to learning."

right up my alley, no?! i cannot wait to take this class, even though my schedule is going to be nothing short of chaotic for the ten weeks it lasts. still not positive if i will continue with full time school and work during subsequent quarters, but it would be nice if i was able to swing it. i'm hoping that i'm not asking too much of myself by taking on such an aggressive schedule, but i just need to keep my eye on the ball and make it through - it's going to be fun, i'll learn too many new things and i'll feel so much more focused on my goal than otherwise.

please don't hesitate to remind me of this when i'm pulling my hair out come november.

august 11, 2003

hotlink to yumyum

i'm in the middle of the crossover from sunday night to monday morning. eyes ache a bit, dry patch at the back of my throat, slight tightening of the muscles around my chin & cheeks - tension at the back of my neck.

i have been thinking a lot - too much? maybe. sometimes it's better to just not think about something and to feel it instead - or do what feels right without worrying about any consequences or mistakes. simply treasure the connection, give - everything - to it and savor each perfect crystalline nugget.

august 7, 2003
-2-

planetary neighborhood

the cards:

august 7, 2003

introducing

i missed july.

honestly, i didn't mean to. at the beginning of this year, the goal had been quite well defined: at least one entry per month.

but july slipped away from this journal. it was constructed largely of highway 101, from here to san francisco: asphalt curves cutting into the teal blue pacific.

it's a thursday evening and despite the fact that i am making progress on several important goals of mine - moving into a new space, restoring my 1973 superbeetle and starting school in the fall - i am going through a painful period in my relationship with brett that is taking up a lot of my mental energy and emotion.

i am very much in love with him but we are both in different places and that is difficult for me to accept. in fact, i have no idea how to handle it. in good faith, he is committed to our relationship, but i don't know how to reconcile our differing expectations.

i am very sad.

having an intimate relationship -- like ours has the potential to become -- is incredibly important to me, and is a major priority in my life. in past experiences, i've never been very successful and, although i wish i was comforted by the fact that so many other humans seem to be as unlucky in love as i am, it just depresses me. for some reason, i felt like i was ahead of the game this time - hurts even more to find out that i am not.

i really am unsure how to move forward with it - i can't realistically scale back how i feel about him, and it is painful that he cannot return to the same degree. he is incredibly important to me, however, and our relationship is one of my main priorities. perhaps i should just re-prioritize? i can't honestly see myself caring less - i know it doesn't have to be all or nothing, so....how do i balance it?