june 9, 2003

shiny things

how do you go from "have faith in yourself" to actually having faith in yourself?

same thing goes for all those ideas i think i should be feeling about myself - that i am smart, beautiful, funny, sweet, worthy. but i rarely feel it. i know that i should rely on myself only for validation, but how do i actually do that? how do i not look outside myself for validation of my human experience? when will i internalize all the advice i hand out so handily?

it's all fear-based. whatever happened to facing fear? whatever happened to valuing growth over security? did i ever do that? or has it all been smoothed over by nostalgia?

please don't tell me that the woman i think i am exists only in memory.

june 2, 2003

portable boom?

a key element of my relationship with the exceedingly lovely brett is polyamory. prior to this most recent experience, my knowledge of poly practice was limited to secondhand reports from friends and my role as "side dish" to one of my previous girlfriends - who was in a long term polyamorous relationship with another woman at the time. the anecdotes varied from happy successes to emotionally miserable failures - and everything in between, just like mono relationships - and the experience as a "secondary" provided me with some insight into how long term open relationships, wherein both partners actively shared information about their other partners, could actually work.

admittedly, the idea has always grabbed me. perhaps it's my sexuality, but i'd fantasized about maintaining simultaneous relationships with folks of a variety of genders/roles since my teens. having the opportunity to truly explore the dynamic with someone who has a similar level of experience as myself has been complex and rewarding - i think the fact that we are both relatively new to this allows us the sense of trust and openness necessary for truly examining how actions and feelings collide - and, eventually, learning from that.

one of the primary reasons polyamory appeals to me is that it frees me from the expectation that my lover somehow defines me - and it challenges me to remember that i am valued by my lovers for unique reasons, just as i value them. oh, and it's murderous on insecurity - yes, exactly what the doctor ordered.

june 1, 2003

application

a cheap, adjustable aluminum mandala rests atop my collection of foreign coins, their container: a pseudo-italianate pot. occasionally, i'll fuck around with it for a bit, get sidetracked by the infinite impossibilities - malleable as a train track - and think about inner-outer space.

the goal is to employ fearlessness whenever possible, but i often fall short of that.

 

 

 

p.s. i am now debt-free.