march 31, 2003

lion/lamb

couple more hours of you, march. this has been a month of startling revelations and realizations -- some painful, some delicious -- all of it, essential.

how wonderful and strange to be so deliriously happy and confused.

march 29, 2003

every day, just breathe

i am incredibly tempted to pull the previous entry, but i suppose it has a right to stay there.

several hours of sleep and some distance from my neediness later, a few items of clarification:

the major drivers of my life have been attention and validation. i don't know why, it's not like i haven't been privy to either of those in my life, but they are very seriously like the life blood/drug that makes me feel connected to the rest of society. and that's selfish.

there are a few people in my life that i care for very deeply, and because of this, i feel the need to give to them emotionally in what appears to be an unrestrained way, but does have its limits, as is evident from the previous post. i don't think its fair to say that no one sacrifices for me, because i'm sure they do and don't even say anything about it one way or the other. i simply need to learn how to set and follow my own limits when it comes to emotion.

i have always had the habit of shutting down when it becomes too intense, or if i am simply feeling irrational and i cannot find a way to suss out the reason behind my emotions. the motivation, i believe, is not to appear erratic to those that i love, and provide some processing space in order to attempt to understand the intensity.

the past several months have been an introduction into new aspects of both myself and reality, which i have enjoyed & learned from immensely. i've fallen in love with a wonderful individual with whom i'm sharing an amazing experience, but by the very virtue of putting myself out there and feeling these things, i am raw and vulnerable and confused. this eventually translates into a strange brand of neediness that motivates me to shut down emotionally because i don't fucking understand it, and can't rationally explain what i'm feeling or what i need, when i need it.

christ, i'm neurotic.

but i need to be more balanced in the manner with which i process my emotions, this is clear. unconditional love is what i'm shooting for -- caring for those that i love without strings attached -- and last night was all about strings. feeling the strain of wanting to be in one place, but realizing i'm not quite there yet, and then feeling hurt because no one interpreted my silence in the correct fashion.

sometimes, i just need to let shit go.

march 28, 2003

another day, staring at the ceiling

okay, so i want to be hot stuff.

i want to be the person that my lovers crave to be with.

i'm sick of feeling used to fulfill other people's needs, without consideration for my own. no, i'm not sick of other people -- i'm sick of my own proclivity for defining myself by others' needs.

i guess its sort of difficult for me to balance acceptance with my own emotional needs. i want to be supportive of the way that people feel and think, but sometimes i just need them to put it aside and see where i'm coming from. i'm sick of being the one to compromise all the fucking time. i want someone to sacrifice for me sometimes, too.

do i just not make my feelings clear enough? or have i been so disappointed in the past that i don't even try any more to communicate what i need?

like, some actual emotional support? maybe?

or, i might just be a fucking basket case, and when i'm sobbing this hard i can't tell the difference, honestly.

maybe it's selfish to feel like this -- but too often i feel taken for granted, and it would be nice to know someone with altruistic patience enough to simply hold me while i cry, and feel this empty. take the edge off of alone.

but, there is no logic in hurt.

march 17, 2003

i'm alive, i'm awake

the theme for the past several months has been "let's turn ideas into reality." indeed, brett has been a delicious catalyst for my own personal growth, and the professional front has transmuted itself into a possible arena for creative expression -- i need only devote the passion.

a few aspects of what i have been exploring in brett's company center around polyamorous relationships. having engaged in one in the past (in which i was what is affectionately referred to as a side dish,) i had some experience from which to work, but much of what has developed over the past few months definitely surprises the hell out of me.

this is a moment in which i revel in the favor of finding someone with whom i can relate and learn.

and still, i need to love myself more.

march 13, 2003

she broke away, broke away

it's bottoms up.

everything evolving nicely.

dear kat,
just chill the fuck out -- thank you!
love,
reality

march 3, 2003

03.03.03

this is one of those special days when you're supposed to take a moment and make a wish, isn't it? como when the clock strikes 11:11, etc.?

presently, i am in the midst of high-impact p.m.s., resulting in a bitchy whininess & raging libido. the catch is that i'm so annoyed with my fellow humans, i most likely couldn't stand to be around any of them for more than ten minutes, yet i would so love for one to fuck me right this instant. stupid hormones!

otherwise, i've been working through the overwhelming emotions that seem to be running my mental show as of late, and since much of it has been solitary, it has been difficult. i can't really talk about how i'm feeling, because i don't really know how to express it, and i feel as though i should have some handle on my thoughts before i speak to others about them....although, sprocket has been an immense help & provided me with some good guidance -- along the lines of "yeah, you know what you need to do," and helpful in its own frankness.

it is tough work to learn how to embody one's ideals.