february 25, 2003

sunrise, sunset

shani gave me a reading tonight. she is always incredibly accurate, and provided me some valuable insight into the overwhelmingly chaotic emotions as of late. some surprising ideas were introduced, but overall the session was incredibly affirming -- basically identifying paths and adventures that i had felt boiling up inside me, instinctually frothing into fruition over the coming year.

my basic question going in was, am i heading towards my path/direction/passion? i received blessed counsel and also some much-needed clarity on the intense feelings inspired by my relationship with brett -- exceptional, comforting.

ride out the storm, experience & grow from it -- but don't lose sight of the horizon.

at the moment, i'm reveling in the peace of perspective. yeah, it's tasty.

february 17, 2003

"of these, hope"

i have spent the last several days not thinking about my occupational situation as much as possible. the time has been filled with lovely refocuses, which rendered the endeavor incredibly simple.

on thursday, i spent most of the day by myself, writing, reading and meditating -- engaging in my new favorite past time: the steaming hot bath -- eventually joining brett on the hill for dinner & drinks after his class was finished.

we watched tetsuo: the iron man on friday afternoon, then gussied up for a night out on the town: first to the lovely princess tino's for an intimate gathering filled with wine & cheese, then off to vain's annual anti-valentine's day party for a couple hours of dancing and drinking with some of my favorite people on the planet.

saturday afternoon was spent at my mother's house, celebrating january/february birthdays and shooting the shit, and then brett, sean, and i headed down to sunset bowl to hit a few pins with sprocket, lisa, henri, nick, alex and his friend ken. the bowling was awesome, but the real wonder of the evening was provided by this wack dance move game -- we were jumping around on the different arrows and missing most of the time, but laughing harder than i have in an arcade in years. then some kid came along who had basically memorized this pretty complex set of dance steps, combined with a video game, and proceeded to just lackadaisically put our stumbling and giggling to shame. i realized that this was clearly the root of all the meaning that is lacking in my life: i need to become that kid. so i'm going to start hanging out there and perfecting my dance moves -- kiss my allowance good-bye!

sunday we headed to the international district for dim sum with scooby and ended up running into a chinese new year celebration heading throughout the district -- complete with dragons, firecrackers and lions. afterwards, i had my hair cut & went grocery shopping with scooby.

despite the past four days sans work, i woke up this morning incredibly negative, and called in that i would work from home. i'm glad that i did this, as i was able to catch up on all of my email and also complete several projects, so i feel much more positive about going in tomorrow. i know that this burnout will pass and that i will find some sense of accomplishment in my new role, and spending a few days away has really helped me let go of some of the anger and frustration that i feel toward several of my coworkers. of course, they only piss me off because somewhere, deep down, i probably believe that their underestimation of me is accurate -- but it's not.

february 12, 2003

"i bet there's a guide to making it fast"

over the last two weeks, my job with speakeasy has changed significantly. my frustration was reaching frenetic levels and, when one of my team members filed her resignation, i freaked out. the result was the dissolution of our team and then the lay off of one of the other team members, about which i am incredibly sad.

i have the distinct feeling that if i hadn't taken on the position offered on another team, i would have been on the lay off list as well.

in this profession, into which i have fallen, i have always attempted to be honest with myself about my limitations and zeal. i have the sodden feeling that something that i've worked so hard on has grown beyond me, and it's incredibly depressing in its own way. i know that everyone that has come in recently and changed the dynamic is only focused on the positive -- i.e. making the company a success -- but the fundamental changes that have occurred have literally passed me by. i actually feel much like a dinosaur, watching the meteors hit in slow motion -- understanding that something has irrevocably changed, and watching from the distance as the microcosm of my reality implodes.

smithereens.

parts of me wish i hadn't expressed interest in trying something new. perhaps it would have been better had i been laid off -- it would provide the catalyst for putting all of this behind me and moving on to something new. whatever the hell that's supposed to be.

it really is that it used to be fun. you can't pick it apart much more than that. the passion is gone, and there's no rekindling that -- i don't care how much kama sutra you attempt to practice in the board room.

february 9, 2003

"i've got all kinds of crazy glare in here"

color_theory_haiku
semiprecious hue
streaming erudite rouges
sorcery stains us