january 30, 2003

lip gloss

it is often difficult for me to transcend the immediacy of my emotions.

january 26, 2003

the geometry of space

exploring all these theories & ideals has unearthed a surprising amount of varied emotions, and as i was detailing the uncertainty it inspires -- that perhaps i am not ready to effectively process all of it -- sprocket reminded me that it's perfectly reasonable that i should feel so overwhelmed, as i'm learning how to become the ideals i have so carefully designed in my mind's eye. certainly, the actual practice of it all is an art in itself, and no surprise that it should require the cultivation of particularly delicious skills.

so, i am embracing it.

my most cherished value is one of travel, primarily because it has consistently provided me with a change in perspective and allowed for the freedom of unencumbered personal growth. placing myself in foreign circumstance taught me how to begin to relate to people. but, i must remember that immersing myself in another location is not the only catalyst for growth -- sometimes one is blessed with such circumstance whilst scampering about the backyard.

january 18, 2003

erasers

emotions caterwaul. i have felt incredibly schizophrenic over the past two weeks -- such intensity of raw feeling, i am unable to discern what it is that is providing so much subtle, expansive pressure.

tonight, i am incredibly sad. washing through me is a nameless grief, so potent that tears spill sans prompt -- steadily, and without scepter.

what is this path down which i am traveling? there was a brief moment when i did not feel so alone, but the ache has returned and i can't find my way again. i wish i understood myself better, instead of continuously functioning just one slip-up ahead of misinterpretation.

january 9, 2003

halfway house

peculiar energy, everywhere. after sunday's intense meditation session, monday's vivid dream, and tuesday's foggy conversations with joe, i feel somehow disconnected from concrete reality.

i have no place, no direction.

january 5, 2003

quiet vol. 1 through 10

the first few days of this year have been extraordinary. there is so much going on, my space seems to be expanding/retracting at a frighteningly rapid speed -- but it's a good thing!

i have been spending a considerable amount of my intellectual time reading a variety of books & opinion/experience-based websites detailing theoretical and practical perspectives on the dynamics of intimacy & trust. it has been intriguing, almost to the point of obsession, as i want to spend all my time studying the elements of power exchange as it applies to the creation of relationships gilded by the raw tendrils of uninterpretable experience. move beyond the filters and into a place without words, definitions, or constructs.

this afternoon, i meditated for nearly three hours, eventually reaching spacelessness, this time located at the end of a long flight-over-water, bird's eye vision of innumerable islands passing below me -- unfortunately too quickly to grasp much more than a fleeting glance of movement/activity. i floated for some time, free from any real sense of evaluation -- over the past several years, i have meditated almost completely on the dance floor; i'd almost forgotten how blissful it can be to sit in a dark room by myself for a few hours and recharge.

some milestones i will achieve this year: