february 24, 2002

mini zen garden

february has been a most welcome coquette. i really do enjoy these mockingly crisp, clear, sunny seattle days. so soothing, i quickly forget how the rain can muddy the details without a second thought -- nature's way of keeping me up to the task of getting out of bed again.

but baby, i swear it ain't all that bad. in fact, it's pretty fucking close to stellar.

peace! you lusty bitch! i've missed you!

much to your continued duress, i've been battling it out with my demons again. yes, i'm quite aware that my existential angst ain't really all that abusive -- of you, anyway -- and that what you're really here for is some wide-open glee, an occasional atmospheric connection to an intoxicating camaraderie. but you've gotta let me get bitchy on occasion & delve into those rusty spaces, so i can understand how lovely it is when the sunset catches the raindrop-stained windows and covers the sheets in a kaleidoscope of mini-diarama, excerpts from galeano's the book of embraces.

so, yet again, i've succumbed to somber & then crawled around the bend again. my mind mixed up like dj food took it out for a spin, all sounds hiccuping & reminding reverberation is a potent elixir.

sidebar: i really get off on e.s.l. copy -- only because i know my written spanish is of equal amusement to native speakers. por ejemplo:

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who can't adore such wordsmanship?

so this month i have been expanding, redirecting -- working on a mess o' projects. work is swell, although, at times, laced with a frustrating amount of red tape. joking yesterday, i told one of my minions i was considering showing up at the joint in red latex tape only, as we ramp up to meet with investors. i'm certain my sense of humor will not be properly appreciated by the cholos with the multi-million dollar spending habits.

an almost unbelievable sense of satisfaction & peace has accompanied this new year. friendships growing, changing, some fading away, but certainly for the best. overall, i realized that i cannot continue holding myself hostage by investing in relationships with individuals with whom i share only a fleeting respect. the most important thing in my life is to work towards functioning as a positive influence in the lives of all with whom i come into contact. this is difficult when the relationship gets to a point of miscommunication and realization that sometimes the cross connects didn't get placed in the right circuits.

there is a sadness to this, knowing that an era of my inner development has passed and, unfortunately, stolen some dear friends with it. but i can't reconcile myself with participating in relationships that yield only frustration, self-doubt, and drama. quite seriously, i don't need that shit -- and neither do they. it's a mutual thing, it's the way time moves and sometimes stops to look back at us when we're on the side of the road, pondering our next path of transit, and she's hoping that we'll work the kinks out if the momentum gets strong enough, forcing us to levitate to the next dusty town by centrifugal force alone.

and, certainly, one mustn't be too hasty. my hope is that this is a minor detour and that i will eventually meet these lovely individuals again in a different space, whole new psychic wardrobe, and suddenly possess the ability to breech the divide that has stretched itself across our perception.

in march, i'm planning to head south to s.f. to visit omelette. also on the horizon are jaunts to new orleans, n.y.c., and possibly summit county, colorado, but they're all in the development stage at this point. oh! another project on the horizon is my intent to learn how to sail. i've got this idea i'm trying to work out -- we'll see how it goes. just trying to step closer to those days meandering about the planet, breathing it all in, processing, and exhaling.

and you, precious? what on earth have you been up to?

p.s. victory!