{february 6, 2000} ......,........................<--ramblings, observations, & mistranslations---
i sometimes wish i had a better map. it seems like maybe i wouldn't be so surprised when hills appear if i had a more vivid notation of what the last hill was like, but nostalgia keeps fucking me up: everything converted to straight lines of a strangely distant design.
but that's what 'keep it real' is all about, yes?
so.....love. i've been writing love letters to the cockroaches hanging out in the women's bathroom in belltown's premiere beer-drinking establishment, the lava lounge (referred to by locals solely as 'lava' or 'the lov' or 'lov' or....whatever is easiest to slur.) with new revelations by the second, i feel second only to the captain of the titanic in regards to life changing information. but, i'm rolling with it.
something about myself that i have always believed to be true has, in fact, been proven correct and it's so relieving to know that i'm not a blowhard. well, i am, but not in regards to this. i always thought that i was more attracted to the personality of an individual more than their specific gender, and recent developments in my life have illuminated that yes.....gender has very little to do with my being in love with someone.
it's an interesting thing, sexuality. something i have thought extensively on since my first foray into 'unconventional' relationships. i'm mostly about people, and who they are, what they feel, how they relate to me....and if all the components are there then WOOHOO! i don't give a shit if they're a boy or a girl. i'm just....maybe i'm a slut, or i like to keep my options open, but....
one must grab onto stars when and if they pass by. i have let go of too many in my immature stupidity, not understanding the importance of that kind of fire burning up beside me, if not for me. i'm trying to learn how to step back more and realize more and more that i am just one tiny influence in a maelstrom, and i usually don't have control. trying to not be a control freak is difficult. i keep thinking that i need to make a list of ways i can be less in control. it always seems to be all or nothing with me: completely insane and irresponsible or totally stressed out and worried.
i just need to calm the fuck down. it hasn't helped that i haven't been laid in over a year. but, celibacy is good.....right?
love, kat
{february 2, 2000} ......,........................<--ramblings, observations, & mistranslations---
each day as a backstage dressing room filled with la reina de la noche -- salmon bells drugging the janitor as he passes, pushing a large tin can with tiny dimpled wheels which is filled with rose petals swept from the stage.
yeah, it's kinda groovy. i was watching the sun set against a painting of mine the other night and was so taken by the glints highlighting the bumps in the paper that i decided the painting would be so much the sexier if it had them permanently. i amended it and it hangs proudly in the living room, constant sunset hue drawing the eye out as if at the window near the edge of the earth.
kitchen fourteen feet from the cliff
musky, and the bluenotes
taste as burnt marshmallows
or rust
fifteen soft hellos beneath
the sixteen cobalt blue bed sheets
taking the place of drapes
you eat
forget
listen to the streetcars
and tie seventeen
pink rubber bands into a ball
clenching it in your fist
patience
drips in the sink
old pots and a black-stained wooden ladle
chipped formica hinting at
marble or perhaps denim
erroneous, though
eighteen years and
each shadowed shape
fakes lines and design
(pretending) down to the scent
february has arrived calmly, kissingly. new things and old surprises and most of all, positivity and appreciation for......fuck.....everything. it's sick. it's me, catching glimpses of spring.
love, kat