{april 4, 1999}.......,...................................<--ramblings, observations, & mistranslations---
my house is filled with the lingering scent of freedom, the ghostly aroma of imagination, the gentle breath of new. i want a whole new calender to chart these days on.
sundays are smooth around here. slip in and out of the minutes like so much melting caramel on the tip of a lover's tongue.....i usually spend them in meditation, of some sort. today i am spending them in flight, careening through mountain tops encrusted with snow and the warm smile of too much caffeine: i cannot be let down again, not after so much pain.
you are somewhere and if just a figment of my imagination, then so be it. if my sanity is cracked and we've been conversing from opposite sides of a seven year bitch of a mirror, i guess i'll take our syllables into my jewelbag and pray for rain. if not, however, then please be a sweetheart and leave a trail of breadcrumbs that i might find this sugarcrack theater again? leave me a note somewhere, any dimension, i'll find it....and then.....
then these naked words birthed of blustery english, forgetful spanish, rudimentary french.....these expressions that perhaps can only be spoken legitimately in cantonese.....will overflow the cup of your soul and leave a messy, inky trail behind you wherever you go, letting everyone know that you are unblushingly mine.
{april 3, 1999}.......,...................................<--ramblings, observations, & mistranslations---
"you don't inspire a metric ton of trust; cuz i'm on fire, and so is all my stuff."
yeah, so..... trust me? trust. even the word makes my tongue itch, and i won't even get into the other bits recklessly and regularly assaulted by this rashy phantom. i won't even begin.....well. actually, i will. it's what i'm here for.
let's pull apart this onion, shall we, darling? you call me up and mention that you're in love with me. damn, i do say, that is fucking sweet, and you know what? i just might be in love with you, too, but now.....where do we go from here? talking you off with my rhythm and breathing has shaded my perception of intimacy in a way that.....let's see.....makes me think on honey. i've been waiting all my life for that split second realization of, 'i'ma believe in this bullshit at least ONCE, and this is it!' but i've been hanging around so often after the show, little miss afterglow, that i'm not too sure i can decipher between the emerald green of natural and the emerald green of truth. not with the lights out, anyway.
trust is dirty, trust is the only thing i think that could ever really break me. it's what i wake up in the middle of the night about: throat dry and gagging on air, heaving chest and watery eyes and the dark seeping into my skin, staining my heart, hardening me against......the citrus vibration of alone and the musty cloud of singularity.
y'all know i'm bent up and emocionante and screaming out loud.....chocolate panties melting away.....and i have just recently embarked on an entirely new expedition into a world that as yet holds a cajillion lusty nuances, universes of surprises.....and.....well.....it's shaking me up a bit. after so many years of cement and rubble, i find that trust is my ticket into this carnival, this playground, this unbelievably gorgeous harpsichord.....
and it scares the shit outta me. i have no map for this ocean, i have no scent in this wind, i have only the sunburnt feeling of duality tapping at my door. nightclub singer and broken-hipped lover. despite the fear, however, everything seems to be growing, expanding, flourishing in a spoiled sun.....save for the bruised stain of wine on my lips and the rusty scent of this socio-political facade called reality.
i'm up to create this new real and fuck fear, so irrational and forgetful.....ignorant and alone.....and it's all about dancing, all about licking honey offa mah honey, all about......goddamn human experience and living in this bloody second, no matter how hard it is, because trust flits and swoons like tomorrow, and no one can promise anything that doesn't respond to the traditional circle of cause and affect.....nothing matters more than drinking in this second and staying true to rules only you have defined.....i think about breaking it all up and i think about how far i still have to go, but baby.....i swear to you that i ain't gonna give up, no matter how sooty our wings get.
so, yeah. just trust me.