~MAY 13, 1998~

"cold water comin' for the lovers of nothin'."

so, bubbles. have you ever sat back and really......pondered the science bubbles drop? yesterday was spent in the throes of señor nicholas and his new sista, miss marisa, and it left me feeling more alive than even my most recent vacation from normal out on the ARO.space dance floors. we blew bubbles for hours in the rain, and i have to say that, at the moment, i can't think of anything more envigorating than the shriek of delight of a two-year-old and the wide-eyed awe of a two-month old. i could hardly relish enough the perfection of all those iridescent bubbles landing on the vibrantly luscious wet grass. today i feel like an angel.

so many surprising things happening. i find my spirits soaring in the way only new-found purpose can launch. i have been having conversations with something that once seemed impossible but now feels inevitable.....the tastes of personal freedom and divine.....truly divine understanding staining my lips and teeth.

isn't it peculiar how we stop looking in broken mirrors? i can almost feel the cracks and creases groaning from my psyche. i heard on the news today that a woman jumped buttnekkid from a window of the edgewater inn, which is a hotel positioned right on the puget sound, because she wanted to skinny dip. the reporter said she was being held for psychiatric evaluation at one of the hospitals. this strikes me as rather amusing because occasionally i hear shit like this and think, "that makes perfect sense. she/he's not insane, she/he knows exactly what she/he's doing. and maybe if we all did a little of that we wouldn't be so worried about what's wrong with them; we'd be more comfortable with what's wrong with us." when i was in high school, my cronies and i had two chillin' spots.....one was this hidden rope swing that dropped you off into a huge pond, and the other was a dock out on the sound, and both of these places were our skinny-dippin' spots.....during the spring and summer we would haunt them so thorougly, so unapologetically that we exacerbated our already shady reputations, but these minutes in my life, of careening through the air to icy waters below, my tits suspended, my head spinning, my hair flying maniacally.....these are moments that remind me the vibrance in life......and when i was in costa rica, my partner-in-crime chris and i jumped off more ropeswings, cliffs, and swam in hot springs and waterfalls.....soothing water cleaning not only the body, but the soul, the mind, the heart, the spirit. my mother always says that she has to live somewhere near the water, and i can understand why she feels that way. most of my favorite places in the world are on the coast of somewhere.....the water, the ocean offer such succint definitions of infinity, of wide-openness, of great possibilities. inspiration is only a drink of water away.

i've been reading a lot lately and staying up entirely too late for my own good. but i don't feel tired, and i'm getting into a new creative/motivated space.....i feel like i'm about to 'splode with ideas and simmerings.....so many things, so many things.....my naughty pal peter portensemal has been pointing out the obvious for me lately and i've had a sort of re-interpretation of my previously surmised approaches to life. i suppose the purpose of theories is to have them tested, to see how they hold out and to understand the flaws/truths of them, and that's what i've been doing. faith is required for anything it seems, from getting out of bed to believing the back of a rice-a-roni box, and my faith in myself has been pretty shaky for awhile. it's nice to have it back. almost.

we've been having problems with enjoy the junkie at the cafe lately. it seems she has returned from wherever she was haunting before, with a vengeance. i feel so badly for her, but like i said to one of our customers when he asked why she wasn't allowed in, "we're not a drug treatment center. i'm not trained to deal with that." but when i thought about it later in the day, i realized that by merely being human, i'm trained to deal with it. all it takes, i suppose, is a little sympathy.....but it's so hard to thwart the evil bug of desensitization, i find i'm fighting an endless battle. it seems that sometimes, the only way one can live within this woefully torn fabric of our society is to give up any elements of third-person-all-knowing. i know there's a balance somewhere, i can feel it. as with everything, i just hafta be patient. it'll all come into understanding. when i deal with these junkies and homeless people on a daily basis, it's difficult to remain unemotional and logical. how do you look into the ruined face of some ageless junkie and come away without an emotional scratch? i don't think you can. but i do know one thing: seeing that kind of desperation and pain every day makes me appreciate my space in life so much the more. like bubbles, like the charleston, like skinny dipping, like laughing until your eyes ache, junkies can help simplicity seem so much simpler than you ever thought it could be....who says they ain't angels?