~FEBRUARY 19, 1998~

aw, you gotta just love, love. or, so everyone keeps tellin' me. back early from my "vacation" because of the unfortunate reckless meandering of my now ex-paramour. nothing like being told you've been replaced, with a better model, by one's eva-sweet nothing.

so, i return, and i'm a mess.....or actually, i was a supreme mess upon getting on the plane yesterday morning, thinking how ironic it was that it was six months to the day that i met my eva-sweet that he kicked my silly butt to the curb. but as i was moping/crying/lamenting, my seatmate, an eighty year old german gentleman, began to spill out to me his life story. nothing like war stories and the death of grandchildren whispered in a husky inflected voice to give one perspective. six months isn't that much......losing one's spouse after sixty-two years, now that's harsh. it's always amazing to me the little karma vibes that skulk around reality, just waiting to offer a bit of a helping hand.....but only if you're aware of it. meeting that man helped me realize what a small speedbump this is on my lifeline.....and i'm better for it, right? uh, right.

what strikes me the most about losing my eva-sweet is the fact that i'm a little confused as to what i'm so torn up about. there were so many things that he wasn't, so many differences between us.....and i think i'll miss the fantasy the most. i think i'll miss feeling connected to someone. i'll miss the possibilities his love for me presented. i'll miss the worlds he opened up for me, that i never even pondered. and i'll miss being so open with someone, giving them love and knowing it was appreciated. it's hard because, in many ways, i associate feelings/ideas with him, only because he's the first individual to inspire them in me, but not, hopefully, because he's the last. a few months down the line, everything'll bounce back into shape and i'll be ready to slip into the game again. but until then, i'm gonna get out my old plath and sexton.....maybe read up on the catholic church. *grin*

"he said, 'honor your words, every noun should become a verb.'" menelik, a dear sweet nothing, wrote this today and it really struck me as sort of an interpretation of carpe diem. this is a piece of wisdom i'll carry with me for quite awhile i think.....it's important for me not to waste time, ya see.....and i've been thinking/writing a lot about losing a love, when really it's the mourning/grieving period for losing my sense of touch. so many times people have mistook my acceptance for innocence.....as if i appreciate things because i've never seen them before, or i don't know the negatives surrounding it.....when really it's an understanding and unconditional acceptance of things i may or may not like in an effort to learn how to appreciate everything. it's not innocence, it's happiness.

and everything happens for a reason, so deal with it.

~FEBRUARY 28, 1998~

"hey again, up for a spin?"

deep dark secrets. things you keep even from yourself.....especially from yourself. these are what i've been dealing with the last week.....coming face to face with my deep-n-darkies. it's a wierd thing, keeping shit from yourself.....it's worse than hiding a hicky from the scrutinous eyes of your mother when you were thirteen.....or that first tattoo.....body piercing.....illicit naughty. it has always amazed me how easily people overlook the things they say they never will just for.....everything to be okay. but it reminds me of my friend anita's first crop of garlic.....beautiful seeds of a french elephant variety that grew into gorgeous bulbs.....all that weeding, all that maintaining.....cultivating.....and the garlic was molded in the middle.....because the seeds had had mold to begin with......and when i think of that i think that i don't want to be that garlic bulb, but i seem to be practicing inner-mold.

when i realized the essence of humanity was to fuck up, that blame lies in no one place, it made human relationships all the more thrilling, all the more open and heavy.....it also made them ambiguous as fuck. i find that i'm pounding my head against the linear reality that so many people are stuck in.....or it feels that way. i read last night a line from a poet that struck me beautifully.....

"humanity be frontin' reality

like a chia pet rose garden bush,

plastic stemming from nothing natural

so I stay home a lot"

for some reason this gives me a strange sense of clarity. when i read it, my heart did a jumping jack and my mouth went dry and i thought, thanks be to fuck someone else feels this way. i'm not anti-social by any means, nor do i believe i'm the "only one" to feel this way or that.....but sometimes it's comforting to be verbally slapped in the face with a written expression of a feeling i feel so close to.....to read it and say, "oh geez.....i never saw it that way, but i tasted it like that." and reading those words reminded me that as ambiguous as i get, there are other ambiguous hop-scotchers out there in the big bad world.....and some of them are practicing inner mold and some of them aren't.....

"i feel broken.....i feel broken.....and miles away."

..........

.....and like i always say, if i find balance now, what on earth will i have to look forward to when i'm old?

p.s.: finally, i am moving out of the cramped mystic bohemian hut. soon come, i'll be settled into the new space.....and my heart/confidence will be a bit more healed.....and i'll have more time to spend on the simmering revamp of this ole site. until then....