ghostland

5.31.08

i have really fallen in love with ghostland observatory. perhaps i am a little late in the game, but sad sad city and stranger lover off of paparazzi lightening are so unbelievably delicious i cannot help but cue them for eternal repeat - esp. when walking through the misty seattle streets at night, waiting for the bus...excellent soundtrack for the bizarro world of 3rd and pine.

my dreams as of late have been perforated by closure and renewal - makes sense, no? i keep dreaming about things dying or morphing or changing and every morning i wake feeling infinitely more renewed. it's funny how one can carry a seed of pain or worry or fear for a misc. amount of time and then one day it's just gone. circumstances have not changed but the perspective has transformed into something distinctly more peaceful and optimistic.

when i am in my studio, i am sad that i will be leaving the beautiful boundaries behind - but every other time i'm looking forward to the change. looking to close out that time/space with the surrounding individuals. the bonds were broken and there is no way to fix them, particularly because i don't really care to, and so foraging ahead on my own is exciting and freeing. still kicking around what i will do and, between you and me, i kind of like the unknown, openwide notion of it all. the fact there is no plan, commitment, responsibility in place (other than to ms. lu, claro) is so lovely i cannot express. i like that i have all options open and i can really just line things up how i want to, not concerned with what other people are doing or needing or asking.

my life has been simplified by force. it's interesting how economic variables can challenge one's adherence to bullshit - i honestly didn't realize how much i was hanging onto for no real reason. going through a financial reset has taught me that i can live on an incredibly small amount of money each month and that i sort of dig that. sometimes i look out and think well maybe i'll work for some monkey for awhile and go through all the motions, but i know that i will loathe it so i don't really put that much effort into making it so. sean and i had a great conversation a few weeks ago and he said something that really resonated with me: that he had been trying to achieve all the things other people did but doing it his own way instead of the tried and true paths...and that he realized that what they had/got/were wasn't really what he wanted and that along with going a different path comes a different result. it put syllables to a morphing realization i have come to myself: my life will always be off course of the norm for no other reason than i just can't bring myself to pretend import and value of things that i find utterly empty, hollow. certainly i could do it - i can do anything - but is that really how i want to spend my time? such a fleeting, hopscotch resource should be engorged with activities of true joy, not just dusty chalk markings.

it's funny how shit has to come full circle time and again for me to recognize the juxtaposition and melding of shapes, frames. i used to think it was hard to go your own way, but now i realize that hardship is across the board in different forms. happiness is a hard road to travel, regardless of the individual trappings. truly committing to individual authenticity is a struggle when there are so many shiny possibilities strewn about us. a prison if we let them pile into gilded columns.